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Stuck, but Moving Forward

Updated: Feb 5, 2021

March 2020. The world was flipped upside down. Businesses locked their doors, people locked inside, and millions of workers locked out of their field. How long could this pandemic possibly last?

"Oh, we will be open by Easter..."

"No, we can't be open by Easter, that isn't possible. It will be Memorial Day for sure."

"Okay, so it isn't Memorial Day, what about August? August will be it! I know it, if it isn't it, I will scream."

August has come and gone. Many doors are still locked, many people are still locked inside their homes, and many still locked out of work. But now, the pandemic isn't our only concern or focus. From March on, many other social justice issues boiled to the surface, many climate disasters have occurred, and we have a government not taking appropriate action. These cracks in society are no longer cracks, they have become gaping holes. Just because a pandemic hit doesn't mean everything else will wait in the wings. No, everything else can't wait because the world still continues to spin. With an overwhelming amount of issues, people are feeling stuck on how to continue moving forward. Where do we go from here? When will we return to work? How long can we wait? What can we even do?

All of these questions have been suffocating me. The entertainment industry, the industry I worked my whole life to be a part of, has been for the most part been put completely on hold. There hasn't been work much work in the industry for the past 6 months and, there doesn't seem to be much work coming back anytime soon. My mind begins to panic. Do I hit the "pause" button and take a hiatus from my passion, my dreams, and my career? Or, do I do what I can and push through the mud? Either way, I am stuck.

Throughout the pandemic, I have been doing things so I wouldn't "fall behind". Falling behind is a terrible thought trap that I have been falling in. How can I possibly fall behind if so many people are in the same boat as me? I feel like if I don't work creatively, I am losing. I am losing time to do what I want. I am losing my creative muscles. I am losing myself. So, what did I do in quarantine? I created work in a panic.

Starting in March, I haphazardly started doing YouTube and was trying to cope by posting an absurd amount of YouTube videos. I wrote a TV show, a movie, started producing my own project, and continued to brainstorm more ideas. I ended up applying to CalArts for graduate school in June. I got in but, inevitably decided to put it off due to the state of the world. I am not mentioning all that to brag, I am mentioning that because right now I still feel hopeless. I feel hopeless because I have been doing this alone. Yes, I do have support. And yes, I have people making appearances and collaborating with me but, I am working from my bedroom, alone. Working virtually with people is still immensely lonely. So yes, I feel hopeless. Some days are harder to be creative just because of the realities of the world but, I know I can't stop. I refuse to lose myself and become a stranger to my own soul.

I don't know what anything will look like. Right now, it is clear that nothing is certain and that there has been and there never will be no such thing as normal. The one thing that is normal is that everything is constantly changing. I know that this time isn't easy and there are many challenges to come. I know I am not alone in feeling stuck. Even though I am stuck, I am confident in one thing, I will continue to keep on moving forward. So, I would like formally to welcome you to my personal blog. This is one of the creative ways I found to help me keep going. The industry might be closed but, I will open my stage management kit, turn on my camera, open my blog, write stories, and get paint on some canvases. Welcome and Go Bucks!

*SF Pride 2019

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